John Rosemond cures a little girl of nighttime fears by remote control because despite being a psychologist, he knows what he's doing...and it's not psychology.ParentGuru: Better Parenting Starts Here
Welcome to Because I Said so the only podcast on the entire universe-wide or worldwide, where you will hear the truth about America's bogus mental health professions, the bogus advice they've been giving for the last 50 years concerning children and child rearing. And I'm your host, john Roseman. I hope you enjoy the show. We'll get right to it. But sometime back, a mom from somewhere in America got in touch with me about her 7-year-old daughter who was waking up every night. It's actually a fairly common story Sometimes these days. What in a common story 60 years ago, I'll tell you, when I was a kid? No way. Anyway, the kid was waking up every night sometime after midnight, coming into her parents' bedroom and acting like she was going to dissolve in a puddle of trauma if they did not let her sleep with them in their bed. Said daughter claimed she was having bad dreams and was afraid, which I don't question. Bad dreams and nighttime fears are fairly common to young children, after all. Anyway, if her parents tried to get her back in her own bed, the child would become hysterical, wake the whole family and things would go rapidly downhill from there. In her original description of the problem, mom mentioned that daughter. The child in question was generally anxious and had been especially anxious since the death of a grandfather, and that told me two things. First, the mother was talking to her daughter about her feelings a very modern parenting thing and second, the mother had been consuming parenting materials written by people in my profession, which is psychology. How do I know that? Because mom was complicating matters by thinking that her daughter's problem was a psychological manifestation of some deeper issue or problem in her life. Reading psychological parenting advice will Bring on such apocalyptic thinking. The mother and I were communicating via email and here's a transcript of my first email to her. She sent me an email John, will you please help me? We're all going crazy here and described the problem, and I wrote this back. I said first, you need to know, mom, there is no way on God's green earth to solve this problem without a lot of screaming, crying, hysteria, drama, soap opera and gnashing of teeth. The solution is quite simple. Actually, considering that, the solution to just about any parenting problem can be described in simple terms Execution is where the rubber meets the road. So here is the execution Number one when you put your daughter to bed, you tell her, very matter of factly, you need to know we're locking our bedroom door tonight. We're not opening the door until we come out for coffee in the morning. Number two Do number one and keep repeating it every night at bedtime until it sinks in. Number three you absolutely must allow me to say that again. You absolutely must stop talking to your daughter about her fears, her feelings, her grandparents' death, dying, nightmares and so on. If she brings up something along those lines, you must say only, we're not talking about that nonsense anymore, yes, nonsense. You have to begin calling the proverbial spade a spade. You must begin saying to her things like you're acting very immaturely and that is pure rubbish and that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And everything the Good Mommy Club rules say you are not supposed to say. Just say you're not coming in our bedroom anymore and scream all you need to scream to get this nonsense out of your system. Number four Don't start this on a weeknight, because you won't get any sleep for at least three nights. The only other alternative is to put your daughter into a clinical coma for 11 years, wake her up when she's 18 years old and immediately emancipate her. So Friday night is when you begin. Oh, and the longer you think about this, the more reasons you're going to come up with for why you shouldn't do it. Keep me informed, please. Signed John Rosemont. The first night, the parents implemented the plan Plan I'd given them. The daughter came to their room shortly after midnight, wanting to be let in, wanting to sleep with them. When she found that the door was locked, she began pleading with her parents please, please, let me in. Like you know a vampire in a Stephen King movie. She was having nightmares. She was afraid she was going to vaporize if they didn't let her in. They didn't let her in Every ten minutes or so. They simply said you're not coming in, you're never sleeping with us again. The daughter's hysteria escalated until the entire family was awake. This was probably the hardest thing these parents had ever done, but they did it. The girl finally went back to her bed and wept herself to sleep. The next night, same story, only worse. The parents held their ground. Third night, same story, and again the parents held their ground. Three nights of pure, unmitigated alert. If your children are in the room, you might send them out, because I'm about to say something very inappropriate, let us say, for a family-oriented show. The parents endured three nights of pure, unmitigated hell. Every night since then, when she is being put to bed, the daughter asks her parents are you locking your door again tonight? And the parents say yes, dear daughter, we are. And that's that. The girl no longer comes to her parents' room in the middle of the night, begging like some vampire to be let in. The parents have noticed evidence that she is getting up in the middle of the night, however. Apparently she goes into the kitchen and fixes herself a snack and lets the family dog out of its kennel and takes the dog back to her room with her, which it seems to me is an excellent coping strategy. I told the parents when they told me that Let her do it. So what? Who cares? Hey, you're getting a good night's sleep. In any case, the girl is learning that she is capable of solving her own problems and in the meantime she is not disturbing the nighttime peace of anyone else in the family. And the parents report, by the way, that she is acting just fine during the day. She's not found curled up in the corner of her room in a fetal position, acting catatonic. She's happy, talkative, playful and all the things a seven-year-old is supposed to be. She is not exhibiting any signs of being traumatized or anything close to it. Consider the problem solved Two weeks. And this had been going on since she was three or four. The problem solved in two weeks. Okay, so, as I've said many times before, a lack of parent authority is what causes most child behavior problems. It logically follows that the imposition of calm, firm parent authority is the solution to most child behavior problems. Folks, raising children is not difficult. It is a simple, straightforward process. My profession, psychology, thrives On making the raising of children seem complicated, difficult and fraught with psychological landmines. They do that because, if they psychologists and I am one licensed by the North Carolina Psychology Board my colleagues, all of them told parents the truth, as I am telling you in this podcast, the truth being the child ring, when done properly, is a simple, straightforward affair. Psychologists would be forced to resign their country club memberships and drive automobiles made in the former Yugoslavia. Mustn't have that. Contrary to the impression promoted by people in my profession, children are not delicate and beakers of self-esteem gas that have to be handled like. They're constantly on the edge of breaking and like Humpty, dumpty, leaking self-esteem all over the place and being impossible to put back together again. The fact is, children are little bundles of mischief and drama that can be, and should be, handled with firm but calm, resolute, purposeful authority. The problem is that for the last 50 years, our child ring practices have been weakening children instead of strengthening them. I'm probably a member I think I am. I am a member of the last generation of American children who were raised in a way that strengthened us, which is why, you know, we left home, but look forward to leaving home. We weren't living at home when we were 25, 26, 27, playing video games in our parents' basements, freeloading. We were out making our way in the world, but for the last 50 years, our child ring practices have been sapping the gumption out of children. People in my profession have created the general impression that any parenting mistake is likely to bring on some psychological apocalypse. In doing so, people in my profession create psychological parenting boogeymen and then feed these boogeymen through the media books, magazine articles and so on and so forth to unsuspecting mothers. Oh, you mean mothers and fathers, don't you John? No, I mean mothers. People in my profession create psychological parenting boogeymen and then feed those boogeymen to unsuspecting mothers. Make no mistake about it Mothers are the primary consumers of psychological parenting propaganda. They read the books, they read the magazines, they watch the YouTube videos, mothers, and then they communicate to their husbands what they, the husbands, are supposed to do and not do. This does two things. This propagation of psychological parenting propaganda what wonderful alliteration, john, I know, I know. First, it induces anxiety into mothers. Wothers read the propaganda and they become anxious. Now here's a fact. It's a fact. Listen closely being raised by an anxious person who is communicating that she is mostly anxious about you, her child, makes it virtually inevitable that you, her child, is going to become anxious. Second, this propagation of psychological parenting propaganda that alliteration, again, john, good for you, thank you causes mothers to become overprotective enablers who feel it is their responsibility to solve every problem that comes along in their children's lives. That constant problem-solving on the part of the mother results in a child who is not capable of solving her own problems, a child who doesn't believe he's capable of doing so. And so the anxious, overprotective-enabling mother ends up being in a co-dependent relationship with her child, who becomes increasingly anxious and dependent upon mommy to solve his problems. I'm talking almost exclusively about mothers. I know I know Very politically incorrect, john, I know I know Not supposed to say things like that? John, I know I'm talking almost exclusively about mothers, but listen up, what I'm describing has nothing to do with being a female. How do I know that? Because mothers of my mother's generation did not fit the description I've just given. Those moms, four generations ago, were solid and secure in their authority over their kids. The way I sometimes express the before psychological propaganda and after psychological propaganda mother. 60 years ago, children were afraid of their mothers. Today, mothers are afraid of their children. The last email I got from the mother of the seven-year-old night stalker said we are continuing to have a really great week. We are all rested and feeling so much better in our own beds. Daughter has not woken us up during the night at all this week. At bedtime she continues to ask if we're going to lock the door. We keep saying yes, very matter of fact, our door will be closed and everyone sleeps in their own rooms now and we're not ever changing that. Isn't that a great story? I think it's a great story. Can you just imagine what would have happened to this family if the parents had thrown up their hands in frustration, desperation, and had taken their daughter to a psychologist? Now, remember, I am one. I know what would have happened because dozens of parents have told me what happens when they take their kids to psychologists and or other mental health professionals. What happens is the child in question gets worse. Mind you, that isn't the report parents give me 100% of the time, only about 98% of the time. If these parents had thrown their hands up in desperation and taken their daughter to a psychologist, the psychologist would probably have begun counseling with the child, talking to her about her nighttime difficulties, her fears, her nightmares and so on. The psychologist would have talked to the child about her feelings and, in the process of talking to her about her feelings, he would have given the child a message that her fears at night were valid. Okay, so I need to say here that not all fears are equal. Some are valid. If your car breaks down on a deserted one-lane country road in northern Minnesota in the middle of a blizzard in February, you have reason to be afraid, especially if you're in the vicinity of Fargo. Bad things happen in Fargo. That sort of fear is valid. But this child's fears were not valid. She was within the protection of her own home, with parents who loved her and were doing their best to ensure that everything about her life was good. But, as I said, a psychologist talking to her about her fears would have given this child the impression that her fears were valid. Here's a fact folks Write it down Fact the more you talk to a child about his or her feelings, the more feelings the child will have. And so the psychologist would have made the child's problems not better but worse, as is usually the case. And when the child's problems got worse or didn't improve, said psychologist, to cover his incompetency, would have told the parents that the child's fears were symbolic expressions of more deep-seated problems. And that is the child was quote coming to grips with her fears. End quotes. They were likely to get worse for a while. That is hogwash. The psychologist is making the child's fears worse by talking to her about them. Note that one of the instructions I gave the parents was to stop talking to the child about her fears, her grandfather's death, dying and so on. Just stop. We aren't going to talk about that anymore. We've talked about it enough. People need to learn to say this kind of stuff, straightforward, authoritative stuff, to children. We're not talking about that anymore. We've talked about it enough. All I'm doing these days is repeating myself and I hate that. And then can you just imagine a psychologist's reaction to the recommendations I gave to the parents that solve the problem in two weeks? Can you just imagine a psychologist's reaction to my telling the parents to lock the child out of their bedroom and tell her to scream all she wants because, no matter what, the door is not being opened? Can you just imagine the psychologist would have told the parents that my solution would what's the word yes it is? Traumatize the child Would cause her to lose. What's the word yes it is trust did her parents Would cause her fears at night time to branch out into fears of all sorts of things. Instead, the fears stopped Bingo, bingo, bongo, bada, bing, bada, boom. They stopped In two weeks of simply being told you're not sleeping anywhere but in your own bed from now on. The fears stopped to the point where they stopped, or at least debated, to the point where the little girl was handling them successfully on her own. It's a great story? Yes, it is. And that's a wrap, folks. You've been listening to because I said so the only podcast on the entire universe wide web where you will hear the truth about psychology and the mental health professions. From a psychologist, you will hear the truth about children. You will hear the truth about child rearing. I'm glad you joined me and keep on rocking in the free world, folks, because we don't keep rocking it, we are going to lose it.