Have you ever known a truly obedient child who did not also radiate a sense of well being? No, you have not. Growing a happy child begins with training obedience into the child. So, how does one go about getting their children to obey? In this episode, John lays out his fail-safe formula for doing just that.ParentGuru: Better Parenting Starts Here
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Hello and welcome back to because I said so you may not be coming back you may be here for the first time. In either case, welcome welcome to because I said so the only parenting podcast in the vast internet multiverse that is worth listening to. Now why is that? Well it is because some things never change. What I just said some things never change and let me add and never should may cause some head scratching but if you keep listening, child rearing enlightenment will eventually burn like an eternal flame in your very soul. Yes, ladies and jellybeans keep listening and continue to hear me say obscure, but essential things like that on a somewhat regular basis. I'm your host John Rosemond, the only psychologists in America who will tell you the truth about the fake profession of psychology again, keep listening because the truth about psychology the falsehoods that form its foundation wonderful alliteration there Dutch think. And the damage psychology has caused the American child the American family, America schools, America's communities and therefore America will blow your ever loving mind. At the end of last week's exciting episode I promised to reveal this week my top secret? Well, it's not really. But that that's a dramatic way of putting it. My Top Secret Six part fail safe formula is failsafe for getting your children to do what you tell them to do. Believe it or not the first time you tell them to do it. Are you ready to reclaim your child ring composure? Okay, then, let's go. So I'm going to begin with a question to you, dear listener. Have you ever known a truly obedient child? Who did not also radiate a sense of well being? No, you have not. So let's get it straight right off the bat. Obedience is good for a child. Growing a happy child begins with training obedience into the child. So here I go. A few years back, I spoke at a private school in Richmond, Virginia. taught classes lasted 90 minutes, give or take. In any event, I didn't really have time to do a deep dive into the subject at hand. child rearing, also known as parenting. And I wanted to give folks something helpful. So I laid out my famous secret top secret failsafe six point formula for getting children to obey that. After all is the question I am most often asked to wit John. How can I get my kids strolled Bay the first time I tell them to do something. Six months later, six months after that Richmond event. I gave a full day parenting seminar at a church in Greenville, North Carolina, which happens to be a four hour drive from Richmond. As I was setting up, a couple of came up to me and told me they had been at that school talk in Richmond and taking copious notes on my obedience formula. The wife said up until then, John, our three year old daughter had never and I mean never done anything either of us had to Older to do. Everything was a battle usually ending in a monstrous tantrum. But the day after hearing you and Richmond, we put your six part formula into practice. And the first time we used it, our daughter obeyed. And instantly, well, it's been six months now. And it's like we have a completely different child. She does everything we tell her to do. So we figured that if we could get that much out of 90 minutes of listening to you driving for hours, two ways, and paying for a hotel room was worth listening to you for a full day. Well, I hope so. That's not a one off. By the way. Since I developed my six point formula, countless numbers of parents have told me that it changed their lives. I'll be bold enough to completely agree with that assessment. The formula does change lives. But mind you know, credit goes to me the formula and formed the manner in which I was raised. It informed the manner in which almost all of my peers were raised and informed of the manner in which children back to the beginning of human time were raised. It is not new, I did not come up with it. I am simply breaking down the manner in which parents projected their authority to their children, before psychological theory, consigned American child rearing, to the dog because I'm doing nothing here but articulating what parents prior to call it 1970. Understood To wit, proper exercise of parent authority is not a matter of using proper consequences. Rather, it is a matter of how a parent comports and conducts himself. When in his children's presents, to wit, it is a matter of him comporting and conducting himself like he is an adult. The reason so many contemporary American parents are having so many problems with discipline is they don't act like adults when they're in their children's presence. They don't act like adults because adults do not care if children like them or not. That is essential to a definition of an adult. Authentic adults don't care if children like them or not. Authentic adults love children. They want the best for children. They have dedicated themselves to the welfare of children, but they don't care what children think of them or the decisions that they make. We let's face it, folks, children are driven by emotion. They're also self centered and significantly limited in their ability to see down the proverbial road. As such, they like it when adults try to curry favor with them. They like those adults. The problem being however, that adults who make it their objective to be liked by children cannot act consistently in the best interests of children. Now, why is that? Because children for the reasons just enumerated are incapable of understanding what is in their best interests. For example, these days, almost all 10 year olds want smartphones, is that in a 10 year old child's best interest to have a smartphone. The only rational answer is no. Therefore refusing to provide your 10 year old with his smartphone is not going to make him like you. It's going to cause quite the opposite. In fact, he's not going to like you. He may sulk for days. Do you care. If you care that your 10 year old sulks for days because you've made a decision he doesn't like then you want to be liked approved by your 10 year old. It makes you uncomfortable, even anxious, even fearful perhaps when your 10 year old acts like he doesn't like you. And that desire to be liked is what gets in the way of you being perceived by your 10 year old as an authority figure. You're acting more like a peer or who needs a 10 year old friend. And under the circle Mr. senses, your 10 year old friend figures out very quickly how to manipulate you into getting his way. And a child of any age doesn't have to be 10, a child of any age, who figures out that his poor parents want to be liked, is going to resist any attempt on his parents part to get him to obey. People don't obey other people because they like them. They obey because they respect the manner in which said people authority figures convey their authority. Parents often say to me, I'm so and so's parent, he should respect me, right? No, respect is not do a title. Respect is do because the individual in question acts worthy of the title. So back to the formula. The formula I'm going to share with you today it works. I know it works because 1000s and 1000s of parents have told me to change their lives for the better. These same parents, by the way, have also told me that Sims since they implemented the formula, their children seem measurably and significantly happier, at peace with themselves in the world, right? Because a parent who properly conveys his or her natural authority to a child is providing the child in question. With an irreplaceable sense of well being and security, forget self esteem. It's a bogus satanic concept. Yes, satanic. Jesus did not say bless it are those who think highly of themselves, not by a longshot. He blessed the humble the poor, and spirit, those who mourn those who make personal sacrifice. It's good for parents to have obedient children. And it's good for children to be obedient, not obedient because of threat, reward, praise and so on, but obedient because they realize, intuitively, that obedience equates to a state of well being. Now you're not going to hear that from any other psychologists in America, I daresay. I don't know anyone else in my field, who is saying what I just said. The mental health industry in America began demonizing the traditional exercise parent authority, which is what the formula represents, some 50 years ago or so and they've been demonizing it ever since. Instead, they've been promoting the idea that the measure of good parenting is a wonderful parent child relationship. Well, let me tell you about the pitfalls of trying to have a wonderful relationship with your child. It doesn't work and for one simple reason, you cannot try to have a wonderful relationship with your child without trying to be liked by your child. And if you are focused on being liked by your child, I'm repeating myself here. But for good reason, then you are not able to discipline properly, which is to say, with authority. And make no mistake, proper authority is not conveyed by raising one's voice. proper authority is conveyed in a normal calm tone of voice. So beginning describe to describe the formula so let's get to it six steps step one. When giving instructions hope you're taking notes when giving instructions or conveying a decision to a child. Do not do what the entire mental health professional industry in America tells parents to do. Do not get down to the child's level. Do not bend down. Do not put your hands on your knees stand straight. To convey authority properly, it is required that you look like an authority figure. And an adult who is bending over at the waist in front of the child doesn't look like an authority figure. He looks like a supplicant. an underling. He looks like someone who's pleading with His Majesty. Someone who's asking His Majesty for a favor. So stop that. Stop doing what the entire mental health professional community in America has been telling parents to do for 50 odd years there. Advice hasn't helped you, it's not going to suddenly start helping you. Forget their advice. When you speak to a child look like an adult look like an authority figure. Got that. Okay, step two. When conveying instructions or decisions to a child, use the fewest words possible. If you want a child to put on his coat, say, Put on your coat. If you want a child wash pots and pans say, wash the pots and pans. Bear with me here, folks. I know that sounds mechanical, even robotic. And as far as I've gotten to this point, I agree. But believe me, I'm not encouraged you to sound like a Stepford parent. Bear with me, folks. The formula consists of six equally important steps, we've only covered two of them. And by the way, I just coined a phrase Stepford parent. It sort of dates me, doesn't it if you don't know what I'm talking about Google Stepford Wives. Anyway, on to step three, step three, preface the fewest words possible. With an authoritative phrase, like, it's now time for you to or I want you to or you're now going to. So put on your coat becomes, it's now time for you to put on your coat. Pick up your toys and put them where they belong becomes. The next thing you're going to do to pull your weight around here is pick up your toys and put them where they belong. Can you hear people screaming? Maybe you're one of them. They're screaming over that last sentence. The next thing you're going to do to pull your weight around here is pick up your toys and put them where they belong. The screamers think that's callous, unloving, sarcastic, and brands me as an agent of Satan. Actually, my wife and I talked to her children like that on a fairly frequent basis. Like every day, yes, you can talk like that and be nasty. Or you can talk like that and be serious. But funny at the same time, it's all a matter of context. And the context is a relaxed, easy going. Parent Child. relationship. Don't confuse the term within which the child in question is clear on who's running the show. And realizes that compliance with an authority figure who has his best interests in mind is a good thing. Obedience is how the child shows respect. And every child needs obedient. Excuse me, every child needs authentic adults, he can look up to and feel completely safe with releasing your parenting sense of humor requires that you stop trying to be your child's friend and embrace your natural organic God given authority in your home. And for certain of you evangelicals out there, I'm saying as I am that the mother's authority in the home is every bit as absolute as that of her husband. But in the bud is important. That depends on the kids seeing that whereas dad is the final authority on matters concerning them. Somebody's got to be the final authority, folks. God's plan is clearly for that to be the father. If that final authority does not rest properly with dad, it becomes a jump ball between mom and dad. The consequence of which is an arc is one argument after another between mom and dad. If the kids don't see that dad's authority is final then they learn how to manipulate both mom and dad. So back to the meat of things the formula. Step four. Step four is do not are you listening? Are you taking notes? Do not explain yourself to your children. Do not explain your instructions do not explain your decisions. You gave your children life. You do whatever it is that's unnecessary to sustain their lives your authority has been given to you by the highest of authorities. You are not required to justify yourself to your children. I want you to repeat that with me but us I am not required instead of you are not required. So here we go. Are you ready? Here we go. I am not required to justify myself to my children. I didn't hear all of you. Let's do it again. I am not required to justify myself to my children. All righty then. But John, someone says a counselor told me the children should know why we give the instructions we give and make the decisions we make. I know what mental health professionals say about parents explaining themselves. I am a psychologist. Remember, I swallowed all of that in graduate school. As part of the parenting narrative, the mental health professional community embraced wholesale of the late 1960s and early 1970s and began promoting to America's parents as essential to their children's mental health. As usual, the mental health professional community was wrong. Furthermore, and again, as usual, their advice along those lines has been destructive across the board. All of it isn't anything the professional advice givers said was worth something. Someone protests? No. For the first few years of my career and my parenthood, I believed in the narrative, I spread the narrative as far and wide as I could. And then I realized I'll tell you the whole story some other time, that the mental health professional parenting narrative was harming children, making childbearing a stressful enterprise, destroying marriages, and destroying public education, which is probably at this point beyond the point of no return. But that's another podcast as well. When all that dawned on me, I stopped promoting the narrative, all of it. The narrative is built on false promises concerning human nature. Therefore nothing that comes from the narrative is true. It is all falsehood. Psychology is fakery, it's falsehood. Again, that's for future shows. But to the question at hand, No, there's nothing about the narrative that is worth anything in the entire post 1960s Psychological parenting paradigm. Great alliteration again, oh, has been a disaster for all concerned. That is the purpose of this podcast, folks. My purpose is to help set things right. That's my assignment. Even though I'd much rather be playing in a rock and roll band. My original career by the way. My assignment is one I cannot refuse and cannot afford to give less to than my all. What do explanations lead to? We've already discovered you just refuse to accept the evidence. Explanations lead to argument that's what when a parent tells me he has an argumentative child I say no, you don't. You have a child who's responding reflexively to your explanations of yourself, your instructions, your decisions. You don't just tell your child what you want him to do. You tell him why you want him to do it right away before you get the whole explanation out of your mouth. He's often arguing with who he's not argumentative, he's a child. That's what children do. And let me tell you that it is the rare arguing child who is a truly happy child arguments do not produce happiness. Furthermore, when your child begins arguing with you, you become anxious, angry or both. If your anxiety or anger anger rules. Well, if your anxiety rules you cave in you compromise. The narrative tells parents to compromise with their children. Just take a deep breath folks, a deep clarifying breath and consider the unmitigated absurdity of parents negotiating and compromising with their children. Do generals negotiate and compromise with privates? Do CEOs negotiate and compromise with people working in them? Mailroom is absurd. But that is the nature of mental health professional parenting advice. In this case, mental health professional parenting advice tells parents to undermine their own authority right in front of their children. On be lievable, how did we ever fall for this in the first place? Actually, I know the answer to that question too, but it'll have to wait for a future podcast. So let's move on to Step five. Step Five considers the fact to back the when children don't get an explanation, they will want one. And because they want an explanation, they ask for one, why they shriek or why not? So when your child asks you for an explanation for an instruction or a decision, why or why not? Step five is say to your child, the most demonized four words in the history of child rearing. But at the same time, the most powerful four words in the history of child rearing. Because I said so. Mental health professionals, the know nothings will tell you that saying because I said so a child, the son so to a child is disrespectful. No, it's not telling the child the truth. You have said do this. Why? Because you said so. You are not obligated to justify yourself to your children. Keep that in mind. You don't scream because I said so you don't snarl because I said so. You don't say it in some other threatening manner. You don't say a wolf, flailing your arms in the air and acting like a cuckoo. You just say it. Well, because I said so. For you fellow Bible believers out there, it is a fact that because I said so is a biblical principle. Yes, it is. Proofread. Ephesians, the sixth chapter. The first verse, the Ephesians. Six one says, and I quote, Children, obey your parents in the Lord because this is right, because it's right. Just obey them because it's the right thing to do. Not obey your parents because they justify themselves successfully to you, child. Not obey them because they come up with a sufficient threat. NOT OBEY them because they come up with a sufficient enticement simply obey your parents. Because it's right to what they say. Because they say so kids. And that brings us to Step six, which is having followed the first five steps to the formula, which I will review in a moment. You simply turn and walk briskly away. I call it pulling the plug on the power struggle. If after step five, because I said so, you continue to stand there, a power struggle with all will almost certainly ensue. The child will say something snarky, for example, and you will get mad. And you'll snarl at the child and there you go off and running. And nothing gets accomplished. And it takes hours for the climate of the home to return to a semblance of sanity and peace. Right? Right. So after saying Well the answer to your question kid once again, is because I said so you turn and walk away. Don't stand there and wait for the words that will never come. Gosh, Dad, Mom, when you put it like that I can't help but want to obey and just keep right on obeying. Oh, happy day dad. Mom. Oh, happy day. Yeah, those are the words that will never come. So now it's review time getting children to obey is not primarily a matter of using correct consequences. Albeit consequences can come in handy at times. It is primarily a matter of projecting your natural authority in a natural which is to say, cool, calm and collected manner to your kids. To that end my six part formula for securing child obedience is first, address your kids from an upright position do not bend over in some counter productive effort to get down to their level. Second, give instructions using the fewest words possible. The more you prattle on, as the Brits would say, the less your children hear. Third preface short instructions with short phrases like it's time for you to and I now want you to fourth do not explain yourself you are not obligated to justify yourself to your children who are basically freeloaders in the first place. lovable freeloaders but freeloaders anyway. Fifth, when your children demand to know why or why not come forth with the most powerful four words in child rearing history, because I said so. And lastly, six that is walk away. Pull the plug on the power struggle. Do not engage in your children's emotionality remain above the fray, be the adult in the room, and the House and the yard. I'm John Rosemond, America's heritage psychologist. And this has been another exciting episode because I said so the one and parenting podcast. You will want to keep listening to my thanks for all the good faith folks who have acknowledged the value of this podcast by subscribing to it if you like it, and if you got this far, you probably do like it. And please tell your friends spread the word. Together we can restore authenticity, and a high purpose to the raising of children in America. In the meantime, please go to my website at parentguru.com For more resources. See you next time. I wrote and recorded the next song by the way the song this outros what it's called. It's called because I said so appropriately. So hope you enjoy it. And yes, it is a crass example of cultural appropriation. Pick it, Wilson